From the Abyss

Please welcome John Emil Augustine, author of From the Abyss.

I awaken with a start this morning in a cold sweat, feeling like a drowning victim resurfacing. I gasp and jump to my feet, my heart and mind racing; my body moving involuntarily. I’m having a panic attack. It doesn't always happen, but when it does, there is a black hole inside my chest that I can only describe as pure, hopeless terror. I struggle to quickly throw on my clothes.

It is a sunshiny Saturday morning, and I don't have to work today. My beautiful wife is in bed, and she tells me to stop and breathe. I ask about our kids, and she calmly says they are fine. I ask about money and our rent. “We have plenty of money right now,” my wife reassures me. “Our rent is paid, and it's the middle of the month.” We're about to have a slow Saturday morning with pancakes and coffee. Maybe some cartoons for the kids. I can sit in my chair with my laptop and relax. I stand in the bedroom doorway, half-dressed, and breathe to the sound of my wife's words. She is right of course. There is absolutely nothing to panic about.

I have come to understand that this panic attack is the result of something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My first wife emotionally abused me, using our child against me. I spent more than ten years jumping through her hoops, believing she was putting him in danger or would steal him away from me. In order to keep her happy, I went into debt voluntarily to give her extra money beyond the child support, so she would agree to stay in the state. I did this to continue visitation with my son, though the court appointed me equal custody. The custody agreement was one thing, but it wouldn’t have stopped her. At least, not according to her threats. How long it would have taken me to get him back was a question not easily answered. What it would have cost was definitely beyond my means. My only choice was to keep on her good side in order to continue a stable relationship with my son.

Homelessness, alcoholism, job loss, fractured family relationships – once I began to struggle in my relationship with my ex, I began to struggle in everything. To keep her happy, I put every other relationship I had in jeopardy. I stayed strong in the face of each problem, but privately, I lived in constant, debilitating fear, knowing another crisis was just around the corner. Drugs and alcohol helped me cope, but eventually became detrimental. They were my way of hiding from reality, as was my increasingly antisocial behavior. I had been living through a traumatic and stressful situation for far too long. I had spiraled into a deep abyss.

PTSD is common in soldiers who have seen combat, in rape victims, in natural disaster victims, in attack victims; really in anyone who has lived through a situation which was traumatic. For those who have been traumatized by a marriage and a prolonged divorce in which a child is used as a tool of manipulation, PTSD is unfortunately a reality. As a man, it was the expectation of my family that I remain strong, get over my failed marriage, and work amicably with my ex-wife. In fact, my calls to my mom asking for help were stressing her out, so my dad eventually called me and told me to stop bothering her with my problems. That was my official cue to be a man, quit my whining, and tough it out.

Men are often expected to work alone. It's almost one of our American societal mores. However, isolationism or social withdrawal is a symptom of PTSD. Reaching out can be extremely difficult because someone with stress as the result of reaching out in the first place (as in a marriage) will be far less likely to jump at the opportunity of risking entering into or furthering an existing relationship. Simply put, PTSD sufferers have an excruciatingly hard time asking for help. And men in particular who do reach out are often scorned for being weak.

What’s to be done?

The first step is for us to change our perception of what happens to a person during and after a traumatic relationship. This is why I have written a book series about my experience. It’s hard to identify with someone in such a circumstance if you’ve had no prior experience with it. If you say, as my parents did, that a guy should be in control and tackle his problems by himself, you misunderstand what the problem is, and it is very easy to dismiss someone who is in a tailspin such as I was. It seemed most everyone I knew was telling me to pull myself up by my bootstraps. And, by golly, I did.

I did exactly that. I worked harder than I ever had to keep my family somewhat together, to continue to do exemplary work at my job, and even to help support my ex. I supported her financially by giving more than the court ordered me to. I supported her physically by helping fix up her house, even giving her the half I owned free and clear by signing a quit claim deed. I even supported her emotionally by listening to her rants and trying to help smooth things over with people she needed to keep in her life. I did more than I should have.

Still, in the end, having pulled myself up by my bootstraps was not the way to get rid of the detrimental effects of PTSD. That’s the problem: PTSD doesn’t just go away. It lingers and is re-triggered again and again. You fight it bravely, but it continues to resurface. Not only do you fight the PTSD, you fight the stigma it gives you as you watch people shake their heads at you, wishing you would just get over it.

If you know someone who has had a relationship derail and go up in flames, learn about PTSD and relationships. You can Google the two keywords and find some related articles and studies fairly quickly, though such articles are sparse, and that’s part of the problem. Awareness isn’t common in our society. That is my purpose, to raise awareness.

Become aware. Be a friend to someone in a bad relationship. You may be able to help at some point, and helping is not a bad thing. It doesn’t have to be a huge time or emotional commitment. It can simply mean awareness. I was lucky to have had a few people who were at least aware enough to not turn their backs on me despite how society generally feels about a guy in such a position. I am alive today because of those people.

The hopeless terror does not have to be a reality for those of us with PTSD. There is hope in this life. Help me pass it on.

Connect with John Emil Augustine:

• Official Author Website
• Facebook
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Really, Pat? A War on Christmas?

In the latest school news, my last school district has taken on Christmas. And it's so last month! How did I miss that? Oh yeah, I've been dealing with my own hectic life.

A couple of days ago, I wrote to a past colleague with a question about a Roman arch project. He responded with some shocking news. My hometown has once again landed in the national spotlight. This time it has nothing to do with pubic workers taking a stand against a union busting governor. No, this time it was one of their own who caused the uproar.

Here's what I learned yesterday in an email from my friend:

"Though, if you've caught the news lately you know the WSD has made national news. You'll remember the annual email about respecting cultural diversity and finding some curricular relevance for holiday festivities and songs. But a music teacher at West felt like there wasn't enough Christ in the public school district's Christmas concerts, and he called Fox News. Wausau's "War on Christmas" went national. There was a crazy public hearing at a school board meeting; the superintendent received death threats; Sarah Palin came to town to save Christmas from us godless, liberal public school teachers. Crazy, crazy stuff. That is: I still envy you your exodus to saner climes."

What began as a request from a high school music teacher to include only religious based Christmas songs in this year's winter concert led to the announcement that he could perform a concert with no religious based songs. That resulted in conflict between the school board and the administration.

OMG! What have I missed?! Yes, I'm glad I moved away. I'm very glad I moved away. *Breathing a sigh of relief.*

So what was the problem? The district places an emphasis on cultural diversity. The public schools are entrusted with educating all of the students, no matter what their religious upbringing may be. The district has never banned inclusion of religious topics as long as they are educational in nature and respect the students and their families. I never saw a problem with that, and I still don't.

High school choir director, Phil Buch, apparently does have a problem with that. He started the fire by bringing his grievances to Fox News, and school board member, Pat McKee, fueled the flames when he told Fox News that it was "nothing short of a war on Christmas."

What was the decision that caused such an uproar? Ultimately, Buch was told he'd either have to include some secular winter songs in the program, or he'd have to change the theme of the winter program entirely. His response was to disband the choir. Excuse me, but how childish! Being a teacher myself, I can think of so many marvelous things he could have done with that. He could have put together a multicultural program including holiday songs in a variety of different languages. He could have taken a look at holiday music through the ages. In both cases, it would not be difficult to incorporate secular holiday songs. Instead, he canceled Christmas. Yes, Mr. Buch, it was not the Wausau School District that canceled this festive season. You are the one who started this "war".

UPDATE: Wausau School District limits religious music
Wisconsin school district cracks down on Christmas music
Wausau school district threatened with lawsuit over music policy

Under Pressure

Pressure, building up...
Pushing in from every angle.
Pressing out from within.
Waking in the dark, breaths constricted,
Knowing I've stopped breathing, in the night.

Help me!

Need to find an outlet.

Not silent. Not at all.
Crying out, again and again, "Help me!"

Telling exactly what I need, to feel:
Loved,
Wanted,
Understood,
Appreciated.

Words misunderstood.
Meanings twisted and misread.

Standing strong.
Keeping it together.
For my sanity.
For us...
For her...

This can only last so long.
Before I reach a breaking point.

An argument, left to hibernate for the winter.
Supposed to revisit it the next fall.
Staying strong, I let it drop,
And wept silent tears.
But not forever.

Asking for help one more time.
Anger bursts the calm evening silence.
No help here.
This time I am ready,
Holding firm, standing strong.

Still standing strong.
Keeping it together.
For my sanity.
For me...
For her...
This too will only last so long.



If you enjoyed this piece, please visit my official author website at: SLWallace.com

First Head Transplant Fraught with Dilemmas

In early July 2013, I read a disturbingly fascinating news article: Possibility of First Head Transplant Fraught with Ethical and Medical Dilemmas.

Ethical and medical dilemmas, the article said. Yes, I could see how that would be true. It really got me to thinking. And when I think deep thoughts, I get the urge to write. Thus Dante was created.

Dante is an Italian violinist who believes in the wonders of science. He also believes he is destined for greatness. When he reads about the very real possibility of human head transplants, he just knows he has found his calling:

“Okay, this is getting a little weird,” Natalia said. “I mean, here I am watching you two grin about the possibility of Dante’s death. What’s wrong with us?”

“Nothing, dear cousin. We are merely talking about medical research. Imagine how much we could learn!”

Dante jumped in as well. “Oh, I have wondered about it! I’ve wondered about it a lot actually. I mean, just think of some questions that have plagued humans since the beginning of time. Is there a soul?”

“And if there is,” continued Pietro, “where does it reside, in the heart or the brain?”

“Maybe the soul runs throughout every cell of our being,” Natalia chimed in. “Maybe it runs through our nervous system.”

“Another thing I’ve often wondered about,” Dante cut in, “is muscle memory.”

“What do you mean?” Natalia asked.

“I think I know where he’s going with this,” Pietro said. “May I try to clarify, see if I’m right?”

Dante nodded eagerly. From all the strange looks he’d gotten whenever he tried to discuss any of this, he was glad to finally have an agreeable audience.

“You’re talking about actions that have become so commonplace with an individual, that they’re almost instinctive.”

“Yes, exactly,” Dante said.

“We already know that nerve signals move at an extraordinary rate along synaptic pathways. Little things called dendrites actively pass messages from one to the next until the brain receives the information or until the muscle receiving direction from the brain, does as it’s instructed.”

But a character alone isn't enough. I needed to do a little more research. The article referred to animal experiments. Specifically, it stated that a successful head transplant had been done to a monkey as early as 1970. I went to YouTube and searched for video footage to give me an idea of what that may have been like. I typed in, "Robert White monkey head transplant video" and found this:

Then I wrote about it:

The head surgeon snipped the last thread and stepped back. “Well, that's it. Now we wait.”

For a moment, the only sound was the gentle beep of the heart monitor, the only motion, the rise and fall of the patient’s chest. A grueling 18 hours after they had begun, the surgery was complete, and the team had come farther than anyone ever had before. Beneath the excitement of accomplishment, an underlying current of exhaustion was present on every face: dark circles under eyes, slack expressions and slumped shoulders. Although the chalk marks on the floor that had kept everyone in the right place at the right time no longer mattered, most of the anesthesiologists, lab technicians and nurses remained in their last positions, anxious for the patient to awaken.

A nurse’s gasp drew their attention when the patient opened its eyes.

Sharp teeth snapped at one of the lab techs who quickly stepped back and bumped into a stainless steel tray. Medical instruments crashed to the floor as two other technicians rushed forward to tighten the restraints.

“Damn animal almost took off my finger.” He chuckled nervously.

“He nearly got you,” the surgeon confirmed.

The doctor shone a pen light above the Rhesus monkey's head. A pair of amber eyes followed the beam of light as it moved back and forth across its field of vision. “Optical nerves appear to be functioning correctly.”

He reached to the side and picked up a small dog training device. He pressed the clicker, and the monkey blinked at the sound.

“Hearing is in working order. Nurse?” The surgeon handed her the device, and in turn, she handed him a wooden skewer with a piece of cantaloupe on it. The doctor slowly inserted the sweet cube into the monkey's mouth. The animal sucked on it, chewed it, swallowed, and licked its lips. A comprehensive sigh filled the room.

To learn whether or not Dante really is destined for greatness, check out Dante's Day Off. It will be available for sale as of Thursday, October 17, everywhere ebooks are sold. I will be sure to post links as soon as this short story is available.

Information about S.L. Wallace's other books can be found at her official author website: slwallace.com

Grades or no grades, that is the question!

I bet when you think of school, you think of desks in straight rows, homework and grades, among other things. I am a teacher, and I do not believe that any of that makes for a high quality learning environment.

The Industrial Revolution is OVER!

Oh, sometimes desks in straight rows fits the bill, as in a college level, lecture style environment or when a guest speaker is present. Straight rows work especially well for choir, orchestra and band too. However, they do not work well as a staple of any preschool or elementary level classroom. Come middle school, straight rows of desks work well more often, but still are not ideal for the majority of the students' day. It is my belief that the environment must be adaptable so that students can easily work in small groups, alone, or in a large group as is best suited to any particular lesson or follow-up work.

In my opinion, homework is rarely beneficial. In my Montessori class, students receive assignments that are based upon the lessons they receive. Throughout the day, they are called to small group lessons, and when not in a lesson, they have time to work on their follow-up assignments or to do any other work that interests them. Montessori classrooms have a lot of hands-on materials on the shelves for students to choose from during work time. At the end of each day, all of the students sit down and take a look at our large laminated class planner and make sure their individual planners are up to date. If they've been using work time appropriately, they will rarely have homework. If students misuse their work time, or if they have been absent and need to catch up, they may have work that will need to be finished outside of school.

Grades... I have had a problem with the idea of grades ever since my first year of teaching. No, wait. It really started before that, when I was in my upper level teaching classes during undergrad. That is when I realized that my grades actually went up when I stopped focusing on them and instead focused only on what I was learning. However, my first year of teaching, I quickly noticed something I will share with you now. Although a good grade, an A does not always mean the same thing on every report card. Nor does a C necessarily indicate a student's capabilities. Grades really have little to no meaning. Really...let me explain.

Lisa is a natural at math. She catches on quickly and retains new concepts with ease. She certainly deserves the A she receives on her report card. Tommy works his hardest trying to understand the concepts he is being taught. He keeps up with the work and gets outside help from a tutor. His skills improve tremendously, and when grading time rolls around, he is deserving of the A he receives on his report card. Two A's. It is my belief that they do not mean the same thing. Now let's look at Cecily. She could easily do the math. Like Lisa, she understands and retains the concepts with ease, but she has a hectic schedule outside of school and rarely completes her assignments. She squeaks by with a C. However, that does not represent her skills, and her 100% scores on her exams and in class work show her teacher how gifted she is. Still, the C stands.

When I switched from traditional education to Montessori, I was thrilled that there were no "grades," not in the typical sense anyway. Students still do work. In fact, they do a tremendous amount of work. The beauty of the system is because teachers call small groups of students at a time while the rest of the class has open work time (choices within boundaries and freedom with responsibility) those who need repetition receive it and those who can move ahead have the chance to soar as far as they are able. Are students assessed? You bet they are! Every time I meet with a small group, I assess the students quickly before we move ahead to the next lesson. Periodically, students receive more rigorous assessments, and they even have standardized tests three times per year. Their parents receive report cards too. The report cards give the parents a comprehensive list of what lessons and skills their child has been introduced to, is working on, and has mastered. That's much more helpful than a letter to represent an entire subject area. Finally, with no grades, students aren't allowed to slack. If they finish an assignment, and their work is of poor quality or inaccurate, they don't get a poor grade and move on, instead they do it again and again until it's done well.

So...grades or no grades? Which do you think is better?

What makes a Montessori education so special? And how do students in Montessori schools fair when compared with students in other school systems? I have not done the research, but others have.

Montessori Method vs. Traditional Education

Montessori Education Provides Better Outcomes Than Traditional Methods, Study Finds

Comparison of Academic Achievement Between Montessori and Traditional Education Programs

In addition to being a Montessori teacher, S.L. Wallace is the author of the Reliance on Citizens trilogy and Retrospection.

Personal Rant

When it happens, I want to scream. Instead, I smile and nod and respond as polite society expects. By it, I mean whenever I say something that is very important to me, a really big deal, and the person I'm talking with shrugs it off. It can also mean when someone else places their assumptions about the world on me. I hate when that happens. But what am I to do?

I've never been what most would consider conventional. I'm not a fan of clothing that boldly proclaims the latest trademark or logo. Even as a teenager, I never much cared for shopping at all, and the latest trend has always been the least of my concerns.

Go back even further...grade school. In 6th grade, as part of our P.E. curriculum, we had the opportunity to either go cross country skiing or downhill skiing. My mother told me years later that she'd been impressed with my decision, not because of the decision itself but because of how I made my decision.

She saw the permission form and asked me, "What are you going to do?"

I told her, "I think I'll go cross country skiing."

She asked, "Who else is signing up for that?"

I shrugged and said, "I don't know." And honestly, I didn't much care. I knew I'd have fun skiing with whoever made the same choice.

Unbeknownst to me, my mother checked around. Apparently, other kids in my class were on the phone for hours that night, trying to decide who was doing what so they could make the right choice.

Flash forward. My boyfriend and I had been together for years, ever since the end of high school. We both went on to college, so marriage wasn't a priority for either of us in those early days. Then I graduated and began my first job. I knew my boyfriend didn't believe in the convention of marriage, but I liked the idea of publicly sharing our commitment to each other for all the world to see. He was resistant to the idea, so I backed off, happy enough to just be with him, and I was as surprised as everyone who really knew us when he did eventually pop the big question. And then it started. Family members and friends...it felt like almost everyone who saw my ring wanted to know the same thing, "When are you going to start a family?" Just thinking about that question makes me want to scream. Why can't just two people together be "a family"?

I wanted to shout out, "That's not why everyone gets married!"

I'm unconventional, remember? So we waited 10 years to have our first child and enjoyed being a family of two. I love my daughter so much; we both do. But we don't know that we will have any more children. Still...not more than a few weeks ago, one of my friends talked to me as if we will someday soon have another baby. I wanted to shake her and say, "There's a big difference between when and if." But I didn't. Instead, I kept from rolling my eyes, smiled and let the conversation naturally move on.

It continues to happen in another, more serious aspect of my life. Just over a year ago, we moved away from our hometown, from family and friends, from a location where we were comfortable. We left behind our house that we now rent out. I left behind a job that was becoming ever more stressful but also co-workers I enjoyed knowing on a professional level as well as a personal friendship level, students I cared for, and parents who stood behind the school and teachers. Leaving was not an easy decision. That all must be made perfectly clear for my next point to be completely understood...

Sometimes I tell people, "In order to make a stand, we made a choice to move away from Wisconsin. Besides, I don't want my daughter going to school anywhere in that state for the foreseeable future."

There aren't words to adequately describe how it feels to hear the response, "Yes, we don't like what's going on in Wisconsin, Illinois, Ohio, (pick a location) either. It must be nice to have the option to move."

Really? Really! Moving was not a simple option! It was a choice, and it was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made, yet I believe it was the right decision for us, and I'm happy to report that moving has led to an amazing job with wonderful coworkers and students, and some fabulous new friendships. Thank you to everyone who has been there for us.

I'll end with a plea. Please do not vote for Governor Scott Walker if he runs for president. If you don't know why I would say that, please refer to Congratulations, Scott Walker... You win! For now, I'll hold my fears in check, and will rely on the compassion I believe most U.S. citizens have for each other.

S.L. Wallace is the author of the Reliance on Citizens trilogy and Retrospection.

The Top Ten Reasons I’m Looking Forward to School this Year

The past few school years have been extremely stressful for me. During that time, I never considered leaving teaching, but I actively tried to leave my last school. Sadly, it had nothing to do with the school itself or the school district. It had everything to do with a tyrannical governor who I now fear is setting himself up to run for President in 2016 (Scott Walker's Stealth 2016 Strategy). I've posted about him before, and I'm sure I will again, but for now, I'll focus on the topic of school.

Teaching in Wisconsin became stressful even before I left. Although I was one of the first to leave, I wasn't one of the last. In a district that has always prided itself on teacher retention, a district where it was nearly impossible to get hired as a teacher because hundreds of applicants would apply to every open position, in a district that used to have between 4-20 teacher positions to fill each year, a record 61 new teachers were hired for the 2013-2014 school year. I guarantee, the district is not growing, and new positions are not being created. In fact, when I left, they didn't hire anyone to replace me. Instead, the principal of the school now wears two hats. I highly respect him, and I know he has the kids' best interests at heart, but it shows that educators in Wisconsin are being asked to do far too much.

June 5, 2012 - A recall election took place in the state of Wisconsin, and Governor Scott Walker retained his seat by a small margin. That night, I mailed out resumes to schools in other states as well as Canada. 20 days later, I was lucky enough to interview at the school where I now work.

Last school year was stressful for a completely different reason. I had a lot to learn! We'd moved to a new city with no friends or family nearby. I'm an experienced Montessori teacher, so at least what I was teaching and how I was to teach it was familiar. I had to find that line though. You know the one, the line between the old and the new, the traditions of past years and fresh ideas. On top of all that, the school where I now work was completing the authorization process of becoming an International Baccalaureate Middle Years Program school. We were successful, yay! But that certainly meant a steep learning curve for me and an entire month of online training last October while I was still getting used to everything else. It was a crazy time.

Meanwhile, I continued to write and in July, I published my fourth book, a novella about a young woman who is finding spiritual awakening as her life spins out of control. Writing, my family, and the Montessori method were the three things that helped keep me grounded and focused. So without further ado, here are my top ten reasons for looking forward to school this year.

10. I am no longer in Wisconsin, and I have become familiar with and comfortable in my new surroundings.

9. I am comfortable wrapping the IB-MYP philosophy and lesson plan formats around the Montessori curriculum. The philosophies of the two programs are so similar.

In Montessori, we teach the "whole child" meaning we recognize each child for who he or she is as a unique individual. We meet students where they are (academically speaking) and help them proceed at their own pace. We teach multi-grade groups of students in small group lessons using hands on materials and impressionistic lessons. We teach the children to be stewards of this beautiful planet we call home.

Here is the IB mission statement directly from their website:

The International Baccalaureate aims to develop inquiring, knowledgeable and caring young people who help to create a better and more peaceful world through intercultural understanding and respect.
To this end the organization works with schools, governments and international organizations to develop challenging programmes of international education and rigorous assessment.
These programmes encourage students across the world to become active, compassionate and lifelong learners who understand that other people, with their differences, can also be right.

8. I get to work with a wonderfully supportive staff every day. I am fortunate to be working with a team of people who are some of the most genuine, kind and supportive people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. They all have demonstrated a passion for teaching and honestly care for the children throughout the school and for each other. I kid you not.

7. I have the support of the administration. Again, I kid you not! My principal encourages us to come to him with questions or concerns. No, I do not always agree with his final decisions, but I respect him and know that he is making those decisions after listening to his staff. On top of that, he is a well respected Montessorian who has written numerous articles and even a book about the Montessori philosophy. He also travels extensively educating others about Montessori education.

6. I have planning time every day. This is a practice that is falling by the wayside in many schools. This year, just like last, I'll have anywhere from 1/2 hour to over an hour every day for prep and planning. Any teacher will tell you that prep time is just as important as having the time to teach.

5. Field trips! I love field trips! We go camping twice a year, once in the fall (focus on team building) and once in the spring (focus on celebration). The sixth graders go to New York City as part of the Montessori Model United Nations program every spring. There are other field trips that pop up as we learn about them, if they tie into our curriculum. And the students often plan their own small group field trips based on independent studies - Maria Montessori referred to these as "Going Outs." Our students also visit a local wetlands and volunteer at a local food bank throughout the year.

4. I have the option to teach after school clubs and summer school based upon my interests, and I get paid by the hour for those extra duties. Compare that to being paid a flat $18.00 per event, no matter the length of the event at my last school.

3. I work with a super diverse population and am looking forward to learning more about different cultures.

2. The parents are caring and supportive. They treat us as professionals and understand that we are all in this together. Our goal? To provide a nourishing educational environment for all of our students, recognizing them as the unique individuals they are.

1. The students! I love learning along with them as I guide students through their studies, and I'm really looking forward to seeing the new dynamics that will develop in my classroom this year.

This is exactly what teaching should be like.

S.L. Wallace is the author of the Reliance on Citizens trilogy and Retrospection.